The following is my entry for The Writer’s Voice Contest hosted by Cupid’s Literary Connection.
Title: Empyrean
Genre: Adult Science Fiction
Word Count: 130,000
Plot Summary of Empyrean:
Jahira, a NASA pilot who hasn’t stepped outside without a lifesuit in over 25 years, is learning to live off the land. The hardest part of her training is that the land is not on Earth.
Nearly three thousand daring souls travel to a planet in the habitable zone of a binary solar system to start a new life, but they are not alone.
The native inhabitants of the planet have been exiled by an ancient enemy to the third continent; a glacier-covered rock protruding from a frozen sea. Krrnarr, the one chosen to guide his people to their rightful home, embarks on a quest to find the silver mountain of the prophecies.
What Jahira and Krrnarr discover, about Empyrean and each other, will change their lives forever.
First 250 words:
Jahira opened her emerald eyes to a world so bereft of light that it was disorienting. Seeing no evidence to the contrary, she decided that her mind must be stuck in that strange state of consciousness which hovers between waking and sleeping, a time when one is unable to tell the difference between reality and a very vivid dream. Her eyes closed and she tried again. A command was deliberately sent from her brain to her eyelids, willing them to open. The thin membranes peeled apart, yet there was no change, however subtle, in the ambient shadows. Her night-dark hands blended into the indistinguishable surroundings though she held them mere inches from her face. For a brief moment she could not stop her body’s physiological response of panic. Her heartbeat increased to a pounding cadence, her breathing quickened; she could feel herself beginning to sweat, until she remembered that it was Thursday.
Relief flooded through her system, dissipating the alarm. Her heartbeat returned to its regular rhythm and her shoulders relaxed, just Thursday.
Thursday was the day that for the last several months, energy from the massive generator which powered the hardened shelter on Cape Canaveral Air Force Station was completely re-routed to the immense spacecraft called The Last Hope. In order to amass enough energy in the spacecraft’s solar coil to propel the ship beyond Earth’s atmosphere without the benefit of natural sunlight, one full day per week was dedicated to conversion and storage, leaving the shelter in darkness for twenty-four hours every Thursday.
Best of luck, Nicole! :) The query sounds great!
Thanks!
Great opening, Nicole! Good luck! :)
Thank you Sarah! I appreciate that :)
Love it! Your writing has such a professional ring to it, it is so easy to read. I really like the summary and the beginning to the story. Pity 250 words are so short!
Thank you so much for those kind and encouraging words Sonja! Here’s hoping the whole novel is available someday soon :)
Just stopping by from the contest. I love your short and sweet query, and your sentences in the 250 flow so well. Good luck!
Thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to write those encouraging words! Best of luck to you as well, and I’m heading over to read your post :)
Interesting story! Good luck!! :)
Thanks so much Cherie! Best of luck to you as well. (and congrats just on getting in!)
I love your writing style, and the concept!
Thanks Carrie-Anne! I appreciate you stopping by and taking the time to read my submission. Best of luck to you! I’ll head over to your site and take a look :)
Good luck in the contest! -April, #61
Thanks April! I really enjoyed the idea for your novel as well. Best of luck to you!
Hi Nicole, I’m visiting your blog from the Writer’s Voice Contest (entry #58), and I wanted to wish you the best of luck! Nice to meet you.
Hi Matthew! Thanks so much for visiting and for the well wishes. Best of luck to you as well!
I like this a lot, vaguely reminds me of an SF series called “Earth 2″ if I recall. Nice writing, great query, clear and easily identified plot points of intrigue.
Good luck!
PS nice to see another adult entry, not that there is anything “wrong” with the YA – which is all good, but there is soooooo much of it.
Thanks C.G.! Yes, YA is a hot commodity. I remember reading a lot of “adult” books as a teen though, and now that I’m an adult I’ve read several popular “YA” novels. If it’s good it’s good no matter what age you are :) Best of luck to you!
I like it! It reminds me a little of Earth 2. Good luck!
Thanks Becca! Funny that you and C.G. both mentioned Earth 2. I’ve never heard of it, but apparently I need to check it out!
I liked it! My husband would love this too! Very much his kind of story!
Good luck in the contest!
Summer – #40
Thanks so much Summer! Best of luck to you as well!
Like someone else said, 250 words just aren’t enough! Best of luck from #163
Aww, thank you :) Best of luck to you as well!
Wow, love this! Good luck!
~Nicole, entry 68
Thanks Nicole! Good luck to you as well!
Nice beginning! Good luck!
Brandi #199
Thanks for stopping by and reading! Best of luck to you as well!
Interesting! :) Best of luck, Nicole!
Thank you Carrie!
Great hook line, Nicole. Perhaps there’s a way to reword, because at first it doesn’t seem like it’ll be hooky and agents can skim things. I like it tho! Although I get the gist of your story from the rest of the query, it is bogged down by a scientific wordiness that could be altered to sound more exciting and approachable. Your call, but I’m not sure the continent they live on is a detail important to the story as you explain they are on a search for their real home elsewhere. I get confused at the piece about the mountain of the prophecies. Is it a spiritual place or a literal mountain of prophecies? The final hook needs something special about it. It’s too generalized and requires more stakes and less “life changing” melodrama. What will happen if your MCs don’t get to where they need to go? What does the enemy species have to do with their quest, if anything? Will people die? Make a statement that begs for answers. Almost there, Nicole!
Thanks for the suggestions Rachel!
Hey there. I thought I’d drop by from QueryRoundtable. Keep in mind these are just my opinions so discard them or accept them as you see fit.
Jahira, a NASA pilot who hasn’t stepped outside without a lifesuit in over 25 years, is learning to live off the land.(Maybe it’s just me, but I had to read this like 3 times to get it.) The hardest part of her training is that the land is not on Earth. (This sentence doesn’t flow very well.)
Nearly three thousand daring souls travel to a planet in the habitable zone of a binary solar system to start a new life, but they are not alone. (To me, this sounds like more of a hook.)
The native inhabitants of the planet have been exiled by an ancient enemy to the third continent; a glacier-covered rock protruding from a frozen sea. Krrnarr, the one chosen to guide his people to their rightful home, embarks on a quest to find the silver mountain of the prophecies.
What Jahira and Krrnarr discover, about Empyrean and each other, will change their lives forever. (This is super vague.)
Usually, I like when queries are short. But yours is short to the point it is so vague, I can’t get a feel for your story.
Thanks for stopping by and for the detailed feedback Amanda!
Hi! Stopping by from the Query Roundtable!
I am envious of the length of your summary! I can’t seem to shave off words to save my life!
The only thoughts I had on improving it might be to put some more personal involvement with the main character. Why do we care what happens to her, or what does she have to lose, or what are the stakes for her personally? I feel like it left me interested in the world, but not as much in the people, if that makes sense.
Sounds great though! Epic!!
Thanks so much for the encouragement and the great suggestion. I appreciate your feedback Summer :)
I agree with Rachel on all counts. :-) The wording could be less sciency, but that may be the audience you’re writing for, so it’s your call. The biggest thing for me was the end line. It’s very generic. If you answer the question “how will it change their lives forever?” then I think you’ve got something going for you :-)
Good luck! <3
Thanks Darci I appreciate your suggestion!
I think this is too general. I don’t fully understand what the story is. I get the first half, up the the part about the native inhabitants, that’s just fine but after that…
Krrnarr (names here are difficult I had to go back and see if this was the same character you mentioned before, which made this sentence confusing at first), the one chosen to guide his people to their rightful home (so are they trying to take back their planet kind of thing? ), embarks on a quest to find the silver mountain of the prophecies (Huh? what phrophecy? What does the silver mountain mean? Will it give them power to deafeat the earth people, or are they just looking for a new place to live?)
What Jahira and Krrnarr discover, about Empyrean and each other, will change their lives forever. (this is super super vauge. I could say this about a million stories. What changes their lives, how, why?)
Other than an “Avatar” type story about humans going to a new planet and dealing with the natives, I don’t know what this story is about.
Thanks for the feedback Stacey, you’ve given me lots to think about.
From Query Roundtable –
I’m with the other two here that want more information. Where’s the conflict and what is she fighting for? Keep in mind that while you know the story, other people don’t and you have to entice them into reading more. Make it exciting. To use the words of Emeril, “Kick it up one more notch!” :) I hope this helps.
Thanks Jo, I appreciate you stopping by and commenting. That’s a great question to keep in mind.
Some suggestions:
Jahira is a NASA pilot who hasn’t stepped outside without a lifesuit in over 25 years. Now she’s learning to live off the land, land not on Earth. (Or something like that. The first sentence the way you have it is a little long.)
Nearly three thousand daring souls have traveled to a planet in the habitable zone of a binary solar system to start a new life, but they are the only ones living there.
The native inhabitants of the planet have been exiled by an ancient enemy to another continent, a glacier-covered rock protruding from a frozen sea. Krrnarr, the one chosen to guide his people to their rightful home, embarks on a quest to find the silver mountain of the prophecies.
What Jahira and Krrnarr discover, about Empyrean and each other, will change their lives forever.
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I think we need to know a little more about Jahira and Krrnarr. Why was he chosen? What was living there like? A few more details and specifics will really make this stand out.
Thanks for that detailed feedback Nicole! Much appreciated.
I actually liked your hook. I didn’t think it was too long.
I liked everything up until the last sentence. Too many names and not enough information. Give us a sense of what the main conflict is going to be. What does Jahira have to do? What will happen if she fails?
Thanks Susan, I’m glad you liked it and thanks for those great questions to consider. I appreciate you reading!
I agree with those who want more in this query. What makes your story unique? Almost every story ever told is about a life-changing event of one kind or another, because if nothing changes, there’s no point in telling the story. So what is it about this particular life-changing scenario that makes us want to read Jahira’s story?
Also, your query is kind of passive. Try punching it up and making everything more intense/urgent. Maybe start with something like: “If she’s going to survive, Jahira must learn to live off the land. But she hasn’t stepped outside without her lifesuit for twenty-five years, and this planet is far from friendly.” (Obviously, you’d want to polish that up and make it fit your actual story, not just plug in my awkward attempt at drama… but give us high stakes in your language as well as the plot points you mention.)
Thanks for the feedback Veronica. I really like the way you reworded the opening! I appreciate you reading and I hope to return the favor this week.